The Lies I’ve Been Telling Myself

Yesterday, I felt like I had some form of breakthrough. I used to be stood up once more but once more by one other handyperson with whom I had made an appointment to present me an estimate for the drywall job within the studio.

I’ve had absolutely the worst experiences with handymen. What number of is that this now? I’ve misplaced depend. Let’s see.

1. There was the man I employed to do the most straightforward and primary job (haul away junk). He did half the job, and requested for the entire cost, and informed me he’d be again the subsequent morning to complete. I paid him, after which didn’t see him for six weeks. Within the interim, I texted him twice, and twice he informed me he’d be again the subsequent day to complete. He was a no present each occasions. When he lastly did come six weeks later to haul off the remainder of the stuff, his truck mattress was already piled full when he confirmed up, and he couldn’t get the whole lot he had promised to take (and for which I had already paid him) into his already-full truck mattress. However regardless, he declared the job accomplished, and gained’t reply to my texts.
2. I made an appointment with one other man on a particular day and at a particular time. He didn’t present. I bought a DM from him on Nextdoor later that night telling me that we might reschedule. He didn’t apologize for standing me up, and didn’t supply any form of excuse. It was simply, “Hey, I believe I used to be supposed to fulfill with you at 5:00 right this moment. We will reschedule that for an additional day.” Ummm…no.
3. I made an appointment with a girl by way of DM on Nextdoor who handles her husband’s handyman enterprise. I messaged her, and he or she messaged me proper again saying that I might name her any time. I referred to as instantly, and he or she stated they have been at one other individual’s home giving them an estimate, and will in all probability come on to my home after that. She stated she’d name me again in 5 minutes. That was 5 days in the past, and I nonetheless haven’t heard again.
4. I made an appointment with one other man. He and his helper truly confirmed up once they stated they might to take a look at the job. He was right here 5 minutes, took some measurements, and stated he’d textual content me later with an estimate. I didn’t hear from him that evening or the subsequent day. I lastly texted him and requested if he had an estimate for me, and I bought a learn receipt exhibiting that he learn my textual content about two minutes after I despatched it. That was two days in the past, and I nonetheless haven’t heard again.
5. I made an appointment with a girl who evidently has a number of work crews that do all types of reworking and handyman jobs. She was alleged to be right here yesterday at 5:00. At 5:30, she nonetheless wasn’t right here and I hadn’t heard from her. I referred to as and bought no reply. I texted, and waited. I lastly bought a textual content again from her at 6:00, and he or she stated that she was together with her plumber and didn’t notice the time, and that I might give her a name subsequent week and we are able to reschedule.

I don’t know the way any of those folks keep in enterprise once they deal with prospects (or potential prospects) with so little regard. To say that I used to be on the finish of my rope yesterday night could be an understatement. I used to be livid and pissed off and, fairly truthfully, feeling helpless.

Helpless. That’s a phrase that I’ve by no means thought I might affiliate with myself. I’ve at all times considered myself as sturdy, succesful, decided. I’ve at all times been the form of one that will determine a means, even when one thing appears unattainable. Over the past 16 years that I’ve been scripting this weblog, I’ve had folks ask me repeatedly, “Kristi, how did you try this by your self?” I simply did. Sheer willpower, a really sturdy will, blended with a heaping spoonful of stubbornness, has served me very effectively over time.

However these days, one thing shifted in my thoughts, and never for the nice. I don’t now if it’s simply because I’m on the final room in our house and I’m feeling like I’m on the final mile of a marathon and I may not make it. I don’t know if it’s as a result of I simply had a milestone birthday and I’m feeling outdated and asking myself, “How did I get right here already?” I actually don’t know what it’s, however about six months in the past, there was a change in my mindset. As a substitute of being that sturdy, succesful, decided individual I’ve at all times been, I began telling myself that I can’t. I’m not succesful. I’m not sturdy sufficient. I can’t do this stuff on my own, and if I don’t discover assist, they gained’t get accomplished as a result of I can’t.

I’ve by no means been an “I can’t” individual earlier than. However I’ve informed myself these lies so many occasions over the previous few months that it’s simply turn into miserable. Mix that with the truth that I haven’t been capable of finding a dependable individual to do a few of these issues that I had satisfied myself I couldn’t do, and that has led to a very miserable feeling of helplessness.

By no means in my life did I believe that I might really feel helpless. And but, there I used to be yesterday, feeling helpless. I felt so helpless and discouraged that I cried and had a pity celebration for myself. After which I bought indignant and threw somewhat mood tantrum as a result of these folks hold standing me up, and I another person has to do it for me as a result of I can’t do it alone.

Nicely, after about half-hour of that nonsense, my anger and frustration turned in direction of myself. I began questioning what on the earth had occurred to me. What have I turn into? How on the earth have I satisfied myself over these previous few months that I’m not succesful of doing this stuff?

I’ve drywalled whole rooms in our home earlier than, together with the ceiling, on my own. Sure, it’s true that I promised myself that I’d by no means must do drywall once more as a result of, fairly frankly, I hate it. I hate putting in drywall, and I hate taping and mudding much more. However my mindset had gone past simply I don’t wish to do that as a result of I hate doing drywall. My mindset had gone to I’m not succesful of doing this and I’m dependent upon another person to do it for me. And never having the ability to discover somebody reliable to do it for me had led to that dreadful and unfamiliar feeling of helplessness.

I truthfully don’t know the way I had satisfied myself of those lies. I imply, I’ve put cased openings in load-bearing partitions on this home all on my own.

I’ve torn rooms all the way down to the studs and rebuilt them all on my own.

And but I used to be feeling helpless over 5 sheets of drywall? I had satisfied myself that I’m not able to doing this alone. How did that occur?

Nicely, maybe being stood up by all these folks is precisely what I wanted to snap myself out of this downward spiral I’ve been in over these previous few months, as a result of in spite of everything of my mood tantrums and pity events yesterday, I discovered willpower that I haven’t felt in a really very long time. I began reminding myself of who I’m and what I’ve accomplished, and I reminded myself that I’m VERY succesful! I don’t must rely on different folks!

So I headed to Residence Depot with a plan in thoughts. I used to be going to lease certainly one of their $19 vans, and get the drywall that I wanted to complete the job myself. I bumped into somewhat roadblock once I bought there as a result of they didn’t have any of the vans, however I used to be decided. I nonetheless bought my 5 sheets of drywall, however I had one of many guys assist me lower every sheet down six inches in order that they would slot in the van. I bought the whole lot I wanted to get this drywall accomplished! And as quickly as Matt and I are completed consuming lunch right this moment, I will get it accomplished.

And I’m going to cease telling myself “I can’t” and “I’m not succesful.” I don’t know the way or why these lies began creeping into my head, however I’m bored with these lies tumbling round in my head. As of yesterday, they’ve been issued an eviction discover, and I’m going to do the whole lot in my energy to get again to my outdated mindset the place I inform myself that I can. I can’t stand that feeling of helplessness, and I don’t wish to really feel that once more. I could have handed a milestone birthday, and I could also be a bit older than I used to be once I began this weblog, however I’m nonetheless sturdy, succesful and decided…or not less than I’m going to do my absolute best to get again to mindset. It might take a little bit of time to get again there full steam, however within the meantime, I’m not less than going to cease letting these lies take up residence in my head.

Addicted 2 Adorning is the place I share my DIY and adorning journey as I rework and adorn the 1948 fixer higher that my husband, Matt, and I purchased in 2013. Matt has M.S. and is unable to do bodily work, so I do the vast majority of the work on the home on my own. You can learn more about me here.